The wonderful pal that he is Ramsey Ess drew an entire chapter of maps, Chapter 3. This is just the break room, but there are other rooms, too! I felt like Jackson Pollock when I came with this idea and wrote out the whole office’s interactions in a flurry.
I wanted a fold-out map so all the rooms could be hearing each others noises, too. But the publishers kindly asked we turn in the final manuscript, as it was already a week late and things cost money.
The old Chapter 3 was THE WORST. God, I can’t even remember what it was. I think an office supply catalog? Yup. That was it. I just had a terrible flashback to it. Lotta phone jokes.
Please Fire Me Chapter 3 vs. Blues Poles? I think it’s a tie. Great job, Ramsey!
Two Weeks’ Notice:
“Before you nab a cupcake, know the lay of the land! Below you will see a map from Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace. Please follow along with this composite drawing and its corresponding legend. If you need us to repeat that, then your job strain has already killed you; you are obviously the walking dead.”
—Leaders of the PFM Revolution
Map of the Break Room
1. Please fire me, My co-worker takes pictures of me in what he considers sexy poses. Me working, stretching and standing.
2. Please fire me. My department manager goes days on end without talking to me, or even cracking a smile in my direction, then out of nowhere leaves us fun size candy bars to snack on. The next day she gave us a lecture about eating in the department. We all liked her better when she didn’t talk to us.
3. Please fire me. By the looks of it, drinking water from the water cooler makes women pregnant. I just don’t have time for a baby now so I guess I’ll start bringing bottled.
4. Please fire me. My co-worker brought in a cake and told us to have a piece. She said she decided to make it because she needed to use the eggs that went bad.
5. Please fire me. My boss hasn’t acknowledged my existence in the last six hours, I have nothing to do and I just got a finger cramp from excessive gchatting.
6. Please fire me. Word got out in my workplace that I am atheistic. Despite having never shared this with any of my co-workers—fearing this very situation—I now endure non-stop attempts to save my soul and make me see the light.
7. Please fire me. I received a lesson on how to use the new break room espresso machine and now possess all the skills of a Starbucks barista.
8. Please fire me. I thought the 365-day calendars with pets and captions were annoying enough. A group of my co-workers, that I have not been invited to join, gathers around at 4PM daily to rate them.