Jill's Jokes and Thoughts

I have a new job at Artists & Artisans! Please submit to our...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:27:00 -0500

I have a new job at Artists & Artisans!

Please submit to our new project PleaseDumpMe.Com

Please Dump Me is a place for you to vent about the relationship you haven’t gotten around to leaving.

As with Shit My Dad Says, Please Dump Me is a website that will be turned into a book. For my new job, I have been asked to rack up some humorous submissions. If your submission is picked, I will let you know prior to the official launch of the site. Thanks in advance!

Submission examples:

Please dump me because your new haircut makes you look like a 12-year-old boy.
Please dump me because you just made fun of me with the hostess at Applebee’s.
Please dump me because you just invited yourself to Christmas and we have only been dating three weeks.

*Rules of Submission:

Start your anecdote with “Please dump me”.
Please don’t include full names.
Send all submissions to jillmariemorris at gmail dot com.

*By sending in a submission you are granting all rights in perpetuity to that post to the owners of pleasedumpme.com.

I have a new job at literary agency Artists and Artisans! Please...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:33:00 -0500

I have a new job at literary agency Artists and Artisans!

Please submit to our project PleaseFireMe.Com

Please Fire Me is a place where you can post the reasons why you wish you had the strength to quit your job.

As with FMyLife, Please Fire Me is a website that will be turned into a book. I have been asked to rack up some humorous submissions. If your submission is picked, I will let you know prior to the official launch of the site. Thanks in advance!

Submission examples:

Please fire me because I am only getting paid $10 an hour to walk these dogs and it is 40 degrees, raining, and I am in heels from last night.
Please fire me. My boss just added me as a friend on Facebook and now I have to untag about 200 drunken photos of me.
Please fire me because my boss is my dad.

*Rules of Submission:

Start your anecdote with “Please fire me”.
Please don’t include full names.
Send all submissions to jillmariemorris at gmail dot com.

*By sending in a submission you are granting all rights in perpetuity to that post to the owners of pleasefireme.com.

I will stop reblogging myself soon. I really loved this...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:41:57 -0500

I will stop reblogging myself soon. I really loved this submission.

comedyflashbackweek:

FLASHBACK WITH *BENJAMIN RAGHEB

“I am submitting this in the hope of earning the title of Farthest Flashback: it is a video made by David Chottiner and myself (with some help by Andy Maher) in the Spring of 1998. It served as a “cold open” to The Evening of the Arts, an annual student-run variety show.

Although you are watching it on a computer, it was originally recorded and edited on VHS-format magnetic tape, using state-of-the-art play-pause-rewind-record techniques. Afterward it was delivered to the school on foot, in the snow, uphill, both ways.

Some useful things to know when watching:

“Playing for Time” is a play, based on a movie, based on a book about female prisoners in a Nazi death camp who played music for their captors. I played the part of Doctor Joseph Mengele. It was the most humorless thing we had ever taken part in.

Mr. Paul “Scooter” Ejzak served as Assistant Coach for the cross country running team the year before, where he let the students call him “Scooter”; the following year he joined the English Department and asked us to address him as Mr. Ejzak. We tried, but old habits are hard to break.

In 1998 our school issued student ID cards. This video is the only time we ever used them for anything.

Anthony Hopkins appears courtesy Orion Pictures Corporation.”

- Benjamin Ragheb

“Chottiner & Ragheb host ‘An Evening of the Arts’” - “An Evening of the Arts” is an annual student-run performance at Shady Side Academy. In the Spring of 1998, seniors David Chottiner and Benjamin Ragheb asked student organizer Meera Nair if they could host the show. She agreed, and David and Ben made this video to be played in Memorial Hall prior to their entrance. It was edited using dual VCRs.”

*Festival Performer/Winner of Farthest Flashback

FRANK HEJL ARGUES WITH "JANITOR" SKETCH BY FRANK HEJL

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:24:00 -0500

FRANK HEJL ARGUES WITH "JANITOR" SKETCH BY FRANK HEJL:

Frank’s Comedy Flashback. It’s formatted in Final Draft HTML which doesn’t make for good reblogs as the full piece.

This is our first Adaptationy type piece, but I’d love to have more. This is great and was worth the hours it took me to figure out how to format not only the html but also the stage directions of someone yelling at their own sketch.

Please check it and Frank’s SPANK out. Orson Welle’s Basement of Terror! is tonight at 6pm.

FLASHFORWARD TO COMEDY WORKSHOPS

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:36:24 -0500

New workshops. Please let me know if you’d like to teach!

comedyflashbackweek:

Please register for this Comedy Flashback Festival’s upcoming workshops. Only a few slots left!

Flip Shades 201 - Emily Strachan (Thanksgiving at Bernie’s)*

Being hilarious in 1992 has never been easier with this four-hour seminar taught by the flip-shades guru Strachan. Techniques covered include: standard surprise, one-up-and-one-down, flip-up-then-pull-down, the flipper-flutter, flip-to-reveal-you’re sleeping, and the surly-flip-down.

$220, Monday 7am

*Canceled.

Topical Humor 1993-1997 - Not Arsenio Hall (The Arsenio Hall Show)**

Covering Bill Clinton’s first term in office, this is for those who want to make fun of a womanizing President and his lesbian murdering wife without all the non-family-friendly cigars. Topics covered include Lorena Bobbitt (Bobbitt? She hardly knew it!), the World Trade Center Bombing (too soon?), and the Billy Crystal Show (Oops! I mean the Academy Awards! But what’s the difference?!) Are they ever gonna release Titanic? Lemme save you the trouble: the boat sinks, people!

$40, Tuesday 2pm to “Whenever!”

**Canceled.

Showing Up Places - Hannah Perry (Almost Got to Audition For MAD TV)***

It sure is hard to show up places you say you are going to go! If you show up to this class, then Hannah Perry, best known for her role as a talking cupcake, will teach you how all the most responsible celebrities do it (Natalie Portman, Hosts of Animal Planet, and more). Showing up places is Hollywood’s best kept secret! Beginners will learn how to arrive & appear, while second-time students will learn more advanced techniques such as the pop in & the breeze by.

$225.25, Wednesday 12pm until everyone get there

***Pending on Hannah’s jaw surgery recovery.

The interns just wrote their first weekly festival...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:49:00 -0500

The interns just wrote their first weekly festival post!

Workshop listings soon.

comedyflashbackweek:

FLASHBACK ON THIS WEEK’S FESTIVAL

A weekly report on Comedy Flashback from our best interns.

“Hey guys, we just want to say that this has been the best-attended Festival ever. We can’t believe we just saw most of the original ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway’ (British) lineup reunite! We missed you Tony Slattery! After the knee-slapping performance, we overheard one excited Festival Performer proclaim, “It was like watching Comedy Central in the 90s because there was nothing else on. Then not getting the slang-dependent jokes all over again.’

However, we have to remind people that just because someone is passed out backstage, that does not mean that’s a ‘crash area.’ Be warned: our Internet festival is mentally and physically exhausting. Please plan accordingly. Also, note that Performers no longer receive free bananas.

The best-received workshop this week was Professor Albertson’s ‘When Funny Dances Go Too Far’. Due to its popularity, we will be flying Professor Albertson from his home in Los Angeles back to our festival as soon as he lowers his prices.

All in all it was a fantastic Festival week! See you next Festival!”

- J. Patrick McNulty and J. Marie Morris, Interns

Cleaner Look For Comedy Flashback

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:17:00 -0500

I’ve updated the look and the description for my new Tumblr Comedy Flashback! Please check it out. We are “The #1 Internet festival on the Internet” according to Time Outs New York.

Here’s the new description:

We’re an Internet humor festival that encourages old, dated, and useless comedy.

Our online festival ends Friday, every Friday, with a wild closing-night party. Party lasts from 4:00-4:15pm at a bar in Midtown. (Performers only.)

Want to be a performer in our festival? Please submit anything you like! Except something topical. We’d hate that. Nothing from 2009. Vintage comedy only. You may email us or submit directly. You may also submit in The Official Forums.

Weekly parties sponsored by Time Outs New York.

Comedy Flashback Week '09: A McSweeney's Piece

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:03:00 -0500

Comedy Flashback Week '09: A McSweeney's Piece:

“Excerpts From Sex And The City And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull”

In June of 2008, I went to the movie theater twice in one week. This is rare. These are the movies I saw, and this was the McSweeney’s piece inspired by the collision of pop culture in my mind. They published it on my birthday and it was a lovely present.

For more info on Comedy Flashback Week ‘09, please go here. Or join right now by posting your dated or old comedy stuff somewhere online. CFW ‘09 ends Friday.

Celebrity Blogs: A Kape PSA A walk down Kape memory lane begins...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:55:00 -0500

Celebrity Blogs: A Kape PSA

A walk down Kape memory lane begins now. I just realized none of Kape’s old sketches were on my Tumblr.

I wrote this. Kelly directed it. All of Kape + Johnny McNulty is in it.

Enjoy your slightly dated references everybody!

My friend Amber Nelson pleads for her life in the monologue I...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:10:00 -0500

My friend Amber Nelson pleads for her life in the monologue I wrote for her “Sorry, Vigilante Mob”.

Directed by Eric Drysdale as part of Gorilla Gorilla’s November show at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

Onion Op-Ed: If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me?

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:58:00 -0500

Onion Op-Ed: If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me?:

I don’t normally put my Onion contributions online, because contributors only write headlines, and I don’t want to seem like I’m taking credit for someone else’s funny words. Anyway, here’s a headline I wrote. I didn’t write the editorial, just to be clear. Enjoy!

“The Kingdom of Tooznia” Two children visit a...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:32:54 -0500

“The Kingdom of Tooznia”

Two children visit a fantasy land! How fantastical!

This is a sketch I wrote for my October Maude Night with Gorilla Gorilla at UCB. Directed by Eric Drysdale. Starring Ben Rameaka, Tim Dunn, Amber Nelson, and Jen Bartels. Thanks to Ramsey Ess for uploading all the videos from our show!

Copenhagen Bike Blog Put "Cycle of Life" Up, Too!

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:02:00 -0400

Copenhagen Bike Blog Put "Cycle of Life" Up, Too!

We're On Another Blog! Tandem Bike Blogs for Gorilla Gorilla!

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:33:00 -0400

We're On Another Blog! Tandem Bike Blogs for Gorilla Gorilla!:

This one’s about “bike culture”.

Cycle of Life featured on Bike Hugger

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:17:12 -0400

Cycle of Life featured on Bike Hugger:

I found this neat bike blog today and sent them Cycle of Life.

We’ve Only Got Coats At We’ve Only Got Coats, we...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:35:00 -0400

We’ve Only Got Coats

At We’ve Only Got Coats, we don’t only have coats.

A commercial I wrote for Gorilla Gorilla at UCB Maude Night. Directed by Eric Drysdale. Starring Davram Stiefler. Featuring Tim Dunn and Amber Nelson. Slam dunks by Ramsey Ess.

Cycle of Life A special soul is brought into this world. A video...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 05:43:00 -0400

Cycle of Life

A special soul is brought into this world.

A video I wrote for Gorilla Gorilla’s October show. Directed by Eric Drysdale. Edited by Ramsey Ess. Featuring Jen Bartels, Amber Nelson, and Ben Rameaka.

Back to School with Duane Reade Video of the Day on The...

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:29:05 -0400

Back to School with Duane Reade

Video of the Day on The Apiary!

Part of GORILLA GORILLA’s September 14th show. New show October 5th at 8pm! That’s this Monday!

Directed by Eric Drysdale
Written by Jill Morris
Edited by Ramsey Ess
Narration by Jen Bartels
Photos by Ari Scott
Produced by Amey Goerlich

Do you like books and Facebook? Prove It and Join Todd Gallagher's Fan Page

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:30:00 -0400

While Todd is still researching about high school as a high school student, I’ve been put in charge of the most high school thing of all: Facebook.

I made the author I’m working with a Facebook fan page. It will give updates on his new book/blog/documentary Todd Vs. High School. This is Todd Gallagher’s second book after Random House’s best-selling Andy Roddick Beat Me With A Frying Pan.

I’m also helping manage the Todd Vs. High School blog and doing research for the actual book, so it’d be neat to see this actually get a following since I’m so involved with it.

Overall, Trinity Christian High School is going well enough for Todd, but he’s super over-worked. But, hey, I’m sure some Facebook fans would give him the energy to keep studying! I’m rooting for him to get higher than a 1.7 GPA this time.

Kape’s Honey Shot on The Apiary More like the Kapeiary!!!...

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 14:38:00 -0400

Kape’s Honey Shot on The Apiary

More like the Kapeiary!!! (I used that same joke a year ago). Anyway, come see our tonight at Gotham City Improv at 10pm. Thanks!