witstream:

Behind the Tweet with @JillMorris
I was watching Josie and The Pussycats, an underrated satire about people conforming in the 90s, and I began getting angry about the commercialization of Jesus. You know, how the people in the Jesus Biz are out to get young children’s minds? That ol’ number. 
Suddenly, I remembered Jesus Day and Silver Ring Thing. Then, I decided to start ranting on Twitter, like a good American citizen. 
What does President Bush have to do with this? Well, all the very sweet-natured Christians stood by him and it was agony for me to watch. Because I knew they were nice people and I could not get through to them.
President Bush was sold to the American people, just like anything other product. Oh, and by the way, I always assumed his accent was fake, like Ann Richards said. 
I was going to be a politician in Texas but you can’t be one unless you swear you believe in a God, it is in our state constitution, the most hilarious constitution in all the land. I could never be a politician in Texas because I would have to lie and say I believed in God. I don’t lie and I don’t know if there’s a God. 
Anyway, thanks for your interest and here is a video of a rich man driving a Rolls Royce onto a stage and calling it church. That rich man goes by the name Ed Young and ads for his church, Fellowship Church were everywhere at my Fast-Food-Nation-featured school (Dr. Pepper, represent!), along with Young Life posters and posters for The Mix, which, of course, meets at Fellowship. 
My school was filled with intimidating Christians who formed a giant mass of WWJD bracelets. I was ostracized in my leadership class for not loving Jesus, as was a Muslim girl next year, who broke the story that the leadership class was full of assholes to the school paper. It was a big deal and the leadership class had to do The Special Olympics without her. You had to be voted into the leadership class for being friendly, so I suppose I was thought of as a friendly atheist or possibly Jewish. I was called a communist with a big nose. 
As a German born on Anne Frank and George HW Bush’s birthday, June 12th, Texas was Hell. I had to memorize all these facts about both of them for some stupid activity in school. I said I’d rather be Anne Frank than HW. I did not like The Bushes. I felt like they were worse than racists. They were people who were abusing racists and that thought was proved right by the Lee Atwater strategy okayed by HW and Hurricane Katrina. I lived in a house with people who escaped Katrina and started a comedy theatre in Austin. (I feel like I have to keep defending my thoughts with experience.)
For my entire life, I have believed that the hysteria in religion ruins freedom of speech.
It’s a shame that being hysterical is fucking fun.
Oh, also, one more thing: No Child Left Behind was a scam. 
In conclusion, comedy is the best and the BBC and sketch comedy shows were the only thing that got me through life in Texas in the 90s.

witstream:

Behind the Tweet with @JillMorris

I was watching Josie and The Pussycats, an underrated satire about people conforming in the 90s, and I began getting angry about the commercialization of Jesus. You know, how the people in the Jesus Biz are out to get young children’s minds? That ol’ number. 

Suddenly, I remembered Jesus Day and Silver Ring Thing. Then, I decided to start ranting on Twitter, like a good American citizen. 

What does President Bush have to do with this? Well, all the very sweet-natured Christians stood by him and it was agony for me to watch. Because I knew they were nice people and I could not get through to them.

President Bush was sold to the American people, just like anything other product. Oh, and by the way, I always assumed his accent was fake, like Ann Richards said. 

I was going to be a politician in Texas but you can’t be one unless you swear you believe in a God, it is in our state constitution, the most hilarious constitution in all the land. I could never be a politician in Texas because I would have to lie and say I believed in God. I don’t lie and I don’t know if there’s a God. 

Anyway, thanks for your interest and here is a video of a rich man driving a Rolls Royce onto a stage and calling it church. That rich man goes by the name Ed Young and ads for his church, Fellowship Church were everywhere at my Fast-Food-Nation-featured school (Dr. Pepper, represent!), along with Young Life posters and posters for The Mix, which, of course, meets at Fellowship. 

My school was filled with intimidating Christians who formed a giant mass of WWJD bracelets. I was ostracized in my leadership class for not loving Jesus, as was a Muslim girl next year, who broke the story that the leadership class was full of assholes to the school paper. It was a big deal and the leadership class had to do The Special Olympics without her. You had to be voted into the leadership class for being friendly, so I suppose I was thought of as a friendly atheist or possibly Jewish. I was called a communist with a big nose. 

As a German born on Anne Frank and George HW Bush’s birthday, June 12th, Texas was Hell. I had to memorize all these facts about both of them for some stupid activity in school. I said I’d rather be Anne Frank than HW. I did not like The Bushes. I felt like they were worse than racists. They were people who were abusing racists and that thought was proved right by the Lee Atwater strategy okayed by HW and Hurricane Katrina. I lived in a house with people who escaped Katrina and started a comedy theatre in Austin. (I feel like I have to keep defending my thoughts with experience.)

For my entire life, I have believed that the hysteria in religion ruins freedom of speech.

It’s a shame that being hysterical is fucking fun.

Oh, also, one more thing: No Child Left Behind was a scam

In conclusion, comedy is the best and the BBC and sketch comedy shows were the only thing that got me through life in Texas in the 90s.

I wish there was an even lazier way than social media to wish you a happy birthday.Via someecards
I wrote this. (And I wrote that.)

I wish there was an even lazier way than social media to wish you a happy birthday.

Via someecards

I wrote this. (And I wrote that.)

Just an FYI that watching the Kony video doesn’t count as 30 minutes of charity workVia someecards
(Hi, guys. I wrote this.)

Just an FYI that watching the Kony video doesn’t count as 30 minutes of charity work

Via someecards

(Hi, guys. I wrote this.)

happysadguys:

“We’ve Only Got Coats,” written by Jill Morris.
Starring Timothy Dunn.
Directed by John Kingman.

The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped workingVia someecards
(I wrote this for you guys.)

The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working

Via someecards

(I wrote this for you guys.)

I’m in this asking a lot of important questions.

welcometothisblogbitch:

I… I just want to start off by saying I’m sorry. Are we clear on that part? It’s important for you to know I’m sorry that I in some small way helped contribute to this meme. But the truth is, I helped write this video for Jockular. And it is called Shit People at a Super Bowl Party Say. And you should watch it because why not.

pleasefireme:

One day, you’ll scratch off that winning lottery ticket. (Try Porker Night; it’s got cute lil’ pigs playing poker.) Until then, your soul will continue dying. Yes, one day you will flip off your boss and ride into the sunset! For today, flip him, her, or it off by wearing one of our many Please Fire Me Spreadshirts.
Wear them slyly under your work attire! Wear them proudly on your weekends! Or… wear them when nothing else is clean because you’ve been too depressed to do laundry!

pleasefireme:

One day, you’ll scratch off that winning lottery ticket. (Try Porker Night; it’s got cute lil’ pigs playing poker.) Until then, your soul will continue dying. Yes, one day you will flip off your boss and ride into the sunset! For today, flip him, her, or it off by wearing one of our many Please Fire Me Spreadshirts.

Wear them slyly under your work attire! Wear them proudly on your weekends! Or… wear them when nothing else is clean because you’ve been too depressed to do laundry!

Take This Job and Shove It | Reader's Digest →

pleasefireme:

Thanks Reader’s Digest for featuring our book Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace this month! Suggestion: The writer behind this gets tomorrow off.

pleasefireme:

Fellow Onion contributor and Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace co-author Johnny McNulty and I will now be writing office-related jokes on @PleaseFireMe. Our updated Twitter slogan is now: “Hey! We’re more than just links back to Tumblr!”

Please follow PFM on Twitter.

PFM New York show! The Ultimate Office Space Party →

Thursday, 8pm at The Bell House.

pleasefireme:

Hey there, party people forced to be work people! Anyone in the New York area should put this on their calendar! Please Fire Me book co-authors Jill Morris and Johnny McNulty are going to read material from the book, read your posts, and read some hilarious unused material that was TOO HOT FOR PRINT! (Or too hilariously zany, anyway) All at the world-famous Bell House for the Ultimate Office Space Party! (buy tickets here)

The show is going to be great! Prizes! Treats! Sing-A-Longs! Quote-A-Longs! Kung Fu! Self Breast Exams! Themed Drinks! Hawaiian shirt day! Flair! Can’t wait to see you there!

More like “Please FOLLOW Me”!!! Ammaright?!
No, seriously. Check out my other Tumblr, PleaseFireMe.com. It’s much funnier than I am.
PFM is a site where you may anonymously “Submit why you can’t quit”; it also spawned my book which had its grammar checked by professionals, unlike that last sentence: 

pleasefireme:

Please fire me.
My customers dress their dogs up in pajamas.

More like “Please FOLLOW Me”!!! Ammaright?!

No, seriously. Check out my other Tumblr, PleaseFireMe.com. It’s much funnier than I am.

PFM is a site where you may anonymously “Submit why you can’t quit”; it also spawned my book which had its grammar checked by professionals, unlike that last sentence: 

pleasefireme:

Please fire me.

My customers dress their dogs up in pajamas.

THE TALL TALE OF MICHAEL IAN BLACK

Everyone at sadsadconversation made videos to celebrate Michael’s 40th birthday today.

Happy birthday, MIB. I decided since this wasn’t just any birthday, it’s your 40th, I would film the short story I’d written about you—instead of just reading it into my Macbook from my filthy apartment. Please enjoy this bday present and set your expectations to low. (I learned Final Cut last night.)

Thank you to Ryan Hunter, Steve Huff, Josh Hara, Alan Starzinski, Jess Irvin, & Evan Thomas for being a part of this and helping get this done in three days.

New #sadsadconversation.

Delusional and excited about discussions of vanity. (Does this description make me look fat!?!) I also worry if I have poor verbal communication skills. Well. I forgot to say verbal, actually.

Meeting Boy: It’s not the job that sucks, it’s the people →

A review of Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace.

meetingboy:

People hate their jobs. FACT. The reason most people hate their jobs is not the work itself, or even the hours or pay— they hate it because of the other people there.

As much as I hate my job, I’ve changed a few times and know that a lot of the stupid, lazy jerks I deal with will be at the next job too in some form. There’s just no getting away from them.

When you start reading a site like PleaseFireMe.com, a user-generated workplace bitch site, this fact quickly jumps out at you. Almost every complaint is about things other people do:

Please fire me. My boss digs through our trash cans to see if we are writing notes to each other about her.

Please fire me. My boss ate all my Pringles after refusing to give me a raise.

Please fire me. One of my managers told me I was voted “Most Likely to Get Pregnant” in the office. I’m the only unmarried woman there.

Please fire me. Last week I was accused at work of thinking.

Please fire me. Our HR girl overheard me describing the plot of The Road to a co-worker. You know, the book about survivors of nuclear Armageddon who are being chased across a deserted America by anarchist cannibals. She asked, “Was that based on a true story?”

Please fire me. My boss just came into my cube and asked me how my internship is going. I am not an intern and never was one for this company.

And this is just a small taste of all the anonymous user comments that get submitted to the site every day. Not surprising really, as it would seem that every day at 6:00 across America it is Complain About Your Job Hour.
 
The premise of the Please Fire Me book is that people are being treated even worse by employers during these tough economic times, and that since people can’t easily change jobs, morale is getting worse. My experience online bears this out: I began tweeting as @MeetingBoy in June 2009 to have somewhere to vent about some of the ridiculous things my boss has done: 

Yelled at for being late to a meeting I wasn’t invited to. When HR pointed this out to my boss, he said I don’t “take enough initiative”.

I know you like to surround yourself with pretty women, boss, but next time you hire a writer, it’d be nice if she could write.

My boss has magical powers: When he tells a lie, he knows it’s a lie, but when he remembers it a month later, he thinks it’s true.

My boss likes to brag “I don’t ask for permission; I ask for forgiveness.” Except he never asks for forgiveness; he serves up scapegoats. 

And people responded. I have over 130,000 followers today, and the number one thing people ask me is “Do you work at my company?” Workplace complaints is a rich vein. In fact when PleaseFireMe.com first appeared, a few people messaged me to say it was a ripoff of MeetingBoy. Not true. MeetingBoy is office focused, the sort of place where meetings happen. Please Fire Me is more broad, including every job that sucks. And no one has a monopoly on hating their coworkers.
 
The Please Fire Me book departs from the site by suggesting that a worker revolution is about to happen. People left with no options will eventually explode (though mostly this is played for laughs, as the main writer, Jill Morris is a comedian by trade).

Is a worker revolution imminent, as Please Fire Me suggests?

I’ve always been skeptical about that— I’ve seen bad morale lead to people acting out at work, not working very hard (“in-cube, unnanounced strikes” as I like to call them), and even going so far as to sabotage projects.  Not to say that revolution isn’t tempting. The revolution in my book always starts—

When the Revolution comes, I’m shooting everyone who says robust. Well, except the coffee roasters.

When the Revolution comes, I’m shooting everyone who uses a speakerphone without closing the door.

And the other day I started tweeting about Bastille Day in the office, and people started chiming in, appreciating the rage behind “Off with their head!” I got more tweets than I could keep up with, and people certainly embraced the idea.
 
The thing I like about the book is that it goes beyond the user submissions to the site. Sometimes it’s a rant:

Please Fire Me. The dude I sit next to makes a joke about TPS reports every single day. 

Office Space is a funny movie. Heck, it may even be the best Office Space-esque movie out there. However, we have all seen it— all of us— at least twice. We know that they ask for a lot of TPS reports. It’s very funny when those paid actors did that in that low-budget indie picture. It was especially funny because no one had ever done it before.

…And for all its faults, at least no one at Initech sits around quoting Office Space.

And sometimes it’s some cool new content, like the Myth of Bizyphus, or The Gifted Engine That Shouldn’t:

The Gifted Engine That Shouldn’t is the most inspirational tale of the power of suppression ever told. One of the greatest characters of children’s literature, Gifted Blue Engine has taught generations of children. Bright children learn from Blue that winning makes other kids feel bad. Of course, run-of-the-mill brats get to relate to the hero, Dumb Boss Train. The G.B.E. loves efficiently delivering toys, but he’s too good at it. However, after Dumb Boss Train tells him, “You cannot… You cannot,” he tells himself, “I should not… I should not.” From that day forth, Gifted Blue Engine carried only as many dollies and teddies as his quota demanded.

No Place For Prisses in the Revolution

If I had one objection, it’s the part where they get around to talking about who should be recruited to rebel against the bosses, they have three categories— Recruit, Do Not Recruit, and Prisses. Prisses are people who have it good and have no right to whine. I disagree with this categorization, and not because I haven’t known a few prisses in the workplace. No, I object because as good as someone’s job seems to other people, it can always suck. It reminds me of this line from Two And A Half Men (though I know the idea is much older):

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there’s a guy tired of banging her.

Alan: But that guy is never me.

And to me that brings up why every job can suck— there’s always someone to ruin it. Very rarely do people complain about the work— it’s almost always their boss, their coworkers, clients, or vendors. Even the CEO has to deal with the board and the shareholders, plus the press. Trust me when I tell you every job can suck. Of course I wouldn’t be recruiting the big shots into any workplace revolution; we’re going to need someone’s heads to chop off at the Bastille.
 
Don’t believe me? Well, a high profile example of this is NFL players. It sounds like they have awesome jobs. Most of them seem to think so when they sign on. But lots of them only play 2-3 seasons and then end up bankrupt from medical bills within 5-10 years and then a disturbing amount die in their 50s, a good 20 years sooner than the rest of us.
 
So maybe the priss is just someone who isn’t good at complaining. And experience tells me every suckup is one denied promotion from Bittertown.

Which is why when someone tells me they love their job, I just nod knowing that it won’t last.

The Taxonomy Of Horrible Bosses →

pleasefireme:

A humor piece written by Jill Morris and Johnny McNulty, writers of Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace, is now up on The Huffington Post.

Introduction to Huffington Post piece:

As most of us have seen from the marketing campaign for Horrible Bosses, and some of us from watching the actual movie this weekend, the new comedy focuses on three types of, well, horrible bosses: The Psycho, The Maneater and The Tool. However, since one of my twelve not-so-horrible jobs is running the workplace venting site PleaseFireMe.com, I know there are many awful bosses not represented in this hilarious movie. In fact, my writing partner Johnny McNulty and I recently went to the library to do some research (and smell the books) and discovered that there is an entire taxonomy to bosses, beginning with the Bossi family. We’d like to share some of our findings with you, detailing which genus and species classification of Bossi is responsible for causing your rants.